As you know if you’ve followed this blog for a while, I like to take malapropisms (misspellings and misused words) found on the internet and elsewhere, and insert them into little articles and stories.
Here are all my malaprop posts, lumped into one giant granddaddy post. There are more malaprops here than you can shake a stick at. (And why do you shake that stick, anyway? It’s not like the malaprops are hurting you. Other than your head.)
Quid Essential NaNoWriMo Tips
[Posted on November 19, 2010 Malaprop count: 60. The “answer key” can be found at the original post.]
If you have any attention of participating in National Novel Writing Month, this primmer will help make your novel as static as the latest best-sellers! Whether you’re an amnature who just dapples, or you’ll be hocking your book for publishment, these hints will give you the modevation you need. They are not just gimics, but true templets for success.
If your work is a memoir, it should be more than a travel log. Don’t sensor yourself; bear your soul. Your story should be teaming with cleaver whit. It should be inciteful. Specific details should be dually noted; one writer (name whithheld) wrote about his fraternal grandfather who was of Lebanese dissent, and went over his life with a magnafine glass. This kind of pain-staking research shades light on the story.
Now, let’s say your work is fictitional. If you want it to make a truly indelegible impression, to strike a cord, to have your readers pouring over your book until sleep alludes them, so that by the end of the story-ark they are balling their eyes out, here’s how:
Although your characters need enduring traits to make them likable, there has to be trouble in paradice. Smash your characters’ lives to smitherines and readers will emphasize with them. Give them malignant deceases. Describe the sha-grin of a dottering widow at a grave-sight. Show paupers who eek out a living, making due only with necessities but no niceties. Describe the heartwrending pain of a man who has been malled.
Also, nobody cares about a boring plutonic relationship, so make sure every relationship is equipt with conflict. Make your characters passionet! Ease drop on conversations to make your dialog suddle and realistic, so readers can be on your characters’ waive length.
If you follow this advice strickly and do lots of find tuning, you can be sure your work won’t be utter trite. Then you can play it by year, throwing in some poetic devices such as illiteration. Viola! You’re ready to send your quarry to the Editor and Chief.
Woopdy doo! Finding my nitch in the blog-tutorial world
Malapropism count for this one: 43, including title. Answer key can be found at the original post.
Although I’m an armature, and I don’t like to put on heirs, I’m also something of a jack of all traits. Because of this, lately I’ve had a little stunt on a well traficated how-to blog, to demonstrate some of the things that I’m darn right passionate about, and put them in lamen’s terms.
I showed my collection of vintage jaded glass, that I have been touting around through several moves. I showed how to do crafts from paper mechet, an art that never seizes to amaze me, and which is slowly-but-surly gaining in popularity. I taught a full proof method to install a laminant floor. I showed how to crochette crib betting, as well as how to make a collard crotched baby sweater. I gave a frumpy woman a wardrobe updo and dressed her in fine-whale corduroy. I demonstrated how to make a Collidescope using materials found at your local convenient store. I showed a horse sporting an intricut custom bridal I’d made using soft, subtle leather. I taught how to make your own ode de Toilet, crushing the ingredients with a mortal and pestle. And I showed a recipe to wet your appetite and turn anyone into a glutten: you rinse Macadamian nuts in a coriander, then combine them with baken and cheeze. Last of all, for the hoards of women who need better personal safety, I taught a course on marital arts.
Well, I don’t usually tout my own horn, and I don’t need a lot of fan fair or ego-stoking, but without being around the bush, I do think my sporatic tutorials have been very influention. People just can’t seem to peal themselves away.
Collard crotched baby sweater
Have a celebration your prosperity will be recanting for years to come!
Malaprop count, including title: 41. The “answers” can be found at the original post.
I have a great idea and I’m all a titter about it! We always hear that it’s to our determent that we only think about the real reasons for Christmas during the short spand of time before and after the holiday, and that “Peace on Earth” should be our buss word all year long. This got me thinking, and it didn’t require a degree in rocket surgery to come up with an even better idea. This Yule-tied, I would like to purpose that instead of trying to remember Noelle all year, we can make Christmas dubbly meaningful by celebrating all the other holidays at Christmas time!
For example, in early honor of St. Valentine’s Day, wrap up a pretty boustiea and put it under the tree. (But nothing too risky or lude or in modest if there will be children around—remember that little pictures have big ears!) And why you wouldn’t want to follow that up with a little celebrating of the luck o’ the Irish is beside me! Then, whether or not you follow the tenants of Christianity, a pretty basket with chocolate bunnies and eggs full of candy is a shear delight, any time of year.
Least we forget, add a patriotical note to the festivities. In honor of the soldiers who defend our country with their oozies, as well as all the refugees who’ve come to our teaming shores, “The Star-Spangled Banner” is the perfect little diddy to add to your holiday caroling. And step outside for a quick picnic and a round of bad mitten while you’re at it! Next, what could be cuter than adding kids customed as witches and ghosts to your Nativity? And, with no further adeau, round out your holiday festivities and cleanse your palat with a delicious Thanksgiving dinner—don’t forget the candied yams to illicit happy memories! Last but not least, before your group dissembles, ring in the New Year. But make sure you use designated drivers so no one drives erotically on the way home.
I am more and willing to expand more, but I trust you impeccably to listen tentatively to this message. Don’t pount, don’t cry, and don’t take the holiday for granite! Keep alive the reminance of that era when holidays were chalk full of meaning, and use this full-proof method to keep the real meaning of ALL the holidays in your Christmas celebration, amidst all the hussell and bussell of the season.
Warning: if you are adverse to having your eyes scared for life, don’t read this post!
Malaprop count for this one, including title: 35. “Answer key” can be found at the original post.
In spite of sleep depravation, I want to make you au currant about my latest physical inflictions. Watch out, this is not for the fate of heart!
I had a terrible toothache that was the bain of my existence, and it got so bad that I got queazy and actually feinted. I avoid having work done on my teeth because it is like medivial torture, but after a lot of wretching and way too much time spent huggin’ the porcelain thrown, I finally got a consolation with a renown dentist. It turned out I had a permint tooth that had gone bad, and I needed a route canal. What a waist!
Well, I should have worried when he made me sign a waver. I won’t tell you all the grizzly details, but believe me, it was discusting. I was just lucky they were able to resistate me! And I am glad the rest of my teeth are in tact.
Now I am home recouping and frankly I am board out of my mind, but I don’t want to over due things. My limp nodes are swollen so I am taking a genetic antibiotic the dentist described, and as long as I stick to my regimine and don’t injest anything solid, I am fairing okay.
I’m mordified for telling you about this, but I did warn you to be weary about reading it, so you are souly responsible if you did anyway. But next time I will try to be more suttle!
Just another story of unrequieted love
I don’t want to be the barer of bad news, so let me say right now that my health is in tack and the nogules in my throught are gone. Good riddens! I guess I have good kharma. Thank goodness for a tight nit group of friends that shows old fashion kindness and would go to the mattress for me.
Sense my last addition, so much has happened, and I want to insure I cover my basis. Rumors have been running rampid! Encase you heard something ridicules about me, let me say that this summer I have not sewn my wild oats. It is all heresay. To give you an inkling into the situation, all you have to do is go out to dinner with someone at some whole in the mall, and, whala! people are all disproving. I don’t see why they make such a gynormous deal about something as trifle as that. I’m not nieve or fridged or anything, but believe me, this relationship is not going at mock speed, and the guy is anything but a stocker. In fact, for the timebeing his disinterest is starting to make me think I don’t pass mustard. It’s too bad, because as a perspective partner he suits me to the tea, but I’m not so self-diluted as to think he’s showing a smigin of interest. Sometimes I even think the forces of nature are colliding against me and I will be that old bitty who never finds her sole mate.
Well, need less to say, this is barely scathing the surface, but the rest is self explanitary. With no further adieu, it’s just the stero-type story of a girl who is still hoping, albeit the lack of a financee. But such as life.
The great get-a-way!
Malaprop count: 32, including title
Now that my baby is out of my whom and I’m done with the postpardum stage, I’m ready to be done with the duldrums. I’ve had enough of living var cariously and making due through reading other people’s blogs about their fun vacations and all the great momentos they bring back. I am so hairbrained I almost fell for a mesmorizing timeshare sells pitch — I got all gunho after I saw the shinny brochure. It’s a good thing my help mate isn’t as guilable as I am and he talked me out of it. So for a concelation, he has been promising me on a daily bases that even if worse comes to worse, we will find something fun to do this summer. I will hold him to it or the forces of karma will enforce upon him! He’s into splunking so he wants to go somewhere with caves, but traipsen around in the dark isn’t really my idea of fun – it’s more like being in some post-apoplectic horror movie, and symotaniously so boring I’m sure it would make me not off. I say if it doesn’t put me at risk for basil-cell carcinoma, it’s not a real summer activity! Honest engine, I just want to relish in some descent ready-maid type of activity. Not that I bear my husband any ilk, since I’m sure it will all turn out honky-dory. Soon, instead of me clodding up this blog with kid stories, you’ll be reading all about our outrages summer fun!
Malaprops: Political expounsion edition
Malaprop count: 32.
Not to make much adu about nothing, but I should warn you that this post is not for the feint of heart, nor for those who don’t like to talk publically about politics. This last election made me into a political affectionado, and I just can’t keep it to myself anymore, even if I might be riticuled.
I want to expediate this, so I’ll cut right to the quick: People can be such hipicrates! You can rebuttle your hearts out, but, if you’ll bare with me, I still can’t see why people went so bizerk about the last female vice-presidential candidate – especially since the VP is largely figurative. I know a lot of lobbiests and political analists cried fowl and acted like her selection was a catastrify, but I think so much of it was just a big miss understanding. She was oosing with character, and was definitely of good vice-presidential timbre, and I wish the beknighted masses could have seen that. I especially have a biff with the press – they can be so conceded and dillusional, and write such degrating dribble. I really wish when people read things in the media they wouldn’t just take it at facebook value. They need to learn to take it as a grain of salt. I’m sure there’s no foulproof way to keep the press honest, but if they would really purvey the damage of their being so prejudice, the results to our country would be much less disasterous.
It’s not the malaprops you find at Christmas time, but the malaprops you find all year through
Malaprop count: 32.
Today it’s poring rain, but soon, in lieu of the Christmas season, snow will come and, low and behold, it will be time to dawn your best apparel and come baring gifts! Then we will all be espiring to celebrate the soul purpose of the holiday: the peace which defines description. Christmas is truly the holiday that is a par above the rest.
Although it’s tricky to thread that line between spirituality and materialism, you can fandangle ways to remember the true meaning of Christmas, and why you are at it, still enjoy all the great traditions that come back with a vintage every year. The joy and glea of Christmas are always growing by leaps and pounds. There are always the engagments — Love is a many splended thing! And there’s the holiday intertaining, with the ubber-fun parties. I’m usually very health conscience, but at the holidays it is no holds bar — I can be sueded into excepting a treat or two. Even if it does reek havoc with my diet, I can always get back on the eleptical in the New Year and get back to a healthy regime. Also, at Christmas I like to get a new outfit – this year I have an adorable camosile which will perfectly compliment my new sweater.
So, voile! I’d just assume give as receive, but, as I eluded to above, all of these great traditions can help bring the true spirit of Christmas. Here Here!
In the throws of motherhood
Malaprop count, including title: 26.
The other day when I was shopping with my two kids in toe, one of them started throwing a tentrum tantrum, and fell on the floor in front of me. I tripped over and flew threw the air! I hope I don’t seem to be whinning, but, it just seems uninevitable that every time I try to take my kids anywhere, as apposed to just leaving them at home, wallah, they start wrecking havoc!
Still, I’m trying not to waiver in my belief that it’s all worth it. The other day I wore my church entire to go hear someone speak who had pinned a few words about “The peace that surpatheth understanding” that can come to an integrous woman when she has a moral opposement to all the evil social ques that can tell us to bale out on our family responsibilities. I just stood in “ah” of this important message. We women can be so self-depreciating and just not realize that our roll as mothers is of the up most importance. It’s such a dangerous dilution! I’m so glad that, even though some days it seems like my efforts don’t make a wit of difference, so far the beckon call of the world hasn’t left me astray. Motherhood is hard, but I will keep working to stay a float.
More adventures with malaprops
Malaprop count: 18.
Well, it’s been a world wind year, but lately I’ve been making a conscience effort to work on my book every day. It’s of tantamount importance that I finish it on time. If I don’t finish it, it won’t be a punishment worth than death, but all those who are apart of my life have worked so hard to support me, that I have no attention of letting them down. And it’s not just that writing is one of my favorite past times, but I also really have a flare for it. I still have so many ideas jossling around in my head, but I can say that my book will have seemless action and a taught plot. I already sent off a portion that I exerted from the first few chapters, and got a rather viscous rejection letter, but I really think that publisher had an alterior motive. Also, I think they just didn’t have good incite about what my book is about – it’s science fiction, and I think they weren’t tech-suavy enough to understand it. I’m just going to keep working twords finishing it — slow and steady winds the race.
Setting your mistakes in stone
This is a concrete street marker for Arctic Avenue in Virginia Beach, VA:
Deja veaux all over again
Malaprop count: 25 (including title).
The slooth was upsessed with catching the man who had run afowl of the law. The criminal was a retched, glutinous slob who’d nevertheless managed to jump a rod iron fence to get away after committing the “crime extrodinaire.”
The police had decided to appraise the press core of the details of the case, so that the people could ban together to catch the man with the bad wrap. The press listened in wrapped attention, enthrawlled.
“This man has wrecked havoc with our legal system, with his bold-faced lies and unexceptable behavior! I can emphasize enough how important it is that we catch him. Otherwise, we face the eminent destruction of peace and order. So far the information we have has been little to know help, and we just don’t have the wear with all to get out of this deboggle without more information, so we are trying a different tact and are asking for the help of the public. We know he has a secret cash, too. So, please call in any information you have, and we will catch this criminal with one feel swoop.”
More Joy of Malaprops
Malaprop count: 13
“This is just my two sense, but if you want my in put, I think you should apply for it.”
“Maybe I’m just obstinant, but I have a deep-seeded wish to find a job that, in good conscious, I can really feel makes a difference in the world. A lot of the time now days I feel like I just tow the party line.”
“Well, I don’t mean to put you on a pedastool, but with your talents, I think that for all intensive purposes, it’s uninevitable that you’ll be able to fanangle a really good job.”
“I hope so. It’s a doggy dog world out there.”
More fun with malaprops
“How was your doctor visit?”
“Good – I don’t have prostrate cancer, so that’s good to know. I always hate having to drop trowel for the exam, of course.”
“Yeah. I had to take my kid in to have some suchers a while ago, and that wasn’t fun, either. All toll, I just don’t love going to the doctor. But I tried to do a Triathalon recently and afterwards my heart rate plummited, so I’m probably due for a check-up.”
“They’re taking me off my sleep medication, so the doctor proscribed something to help prevent the with drawl symptoms. It’s amazing how many medical advances there are in this day in age. It’s mind-boggeling.”
“Yeah, there’s a lot to help keep each person a live and well. My husband snores like a banchee, and I need to get him to see a doctor about that.”
“Yeah, you wouldn’t want him to die in his sleep and have to have someone come administer last rights.”
Internet malaprops to brighten your day
“How did you like the book?”
“I had a real adversion to it. I tried to read it in one fail swoop, but it was a tough road to hoe. I wished the author would flush out the characters better.”
“That’s too bad — I like some of her other books, so I was routing for this one to be good. I really like one of her other novels that’s a right of passage story.”
“Sorry if I seem to be nick-picking. I just think the author should of chartered new ground — instead, I felt like the story just went kapoot.”
“That’s okay — I know you’re will meaning.”
“I think the next book I read will be ‘Far From the Maddening Crowd.’”