You guys, it would be wise of me to work on Christmas shopping and projects right now, but all morning (or anyway the whole time I was showering and getting dressed) (sorry for that image) I’ve been making up jokes. So consider these jokes my Christmas present to you. Anyway my family already got presents from me last year.
[Note: the first part of this post was composed yesterday, when everything seemed funny. The rest was bravely, stoically completed today so I could be done with it and take a nap.]
Before I had kids, I was pretty unflappable. But now I flap a lot.
Flapper bunnies. Image from here.
Dean struck just the right note with me this morning. It was a note from the principal. After we struck it, we stomped on it and then lit it on fire.
Where has this day gone? Probably to Cabo. My days are always going off on vacation and leaving me behind to not get anything done.
Does this body make me look fat?
Our school’s PTA does a “Dads and Donuts” event, but for the moms’ event, we get muffins. I don’t care about alliteration, I just want a donut. I don’t even care if you have to call me something else that starts with “D.” I’d show up for an event called “Domestic Drudges, Decaying Dinosaurs, and DONUTS.”
The only problem with the Drudges/Dinosaurs idea is that wives would think their husbands were invited, and husbands would be trying to send their wives. (HEY-Oh!) Wait, that’s not a problem. DONUTS FOR EVERYONE!
I sure have gotten a lot done on Facebook before even getting dressed this morning.
No matter the circumstances, it’s always possible to be gracious. If you’re repossessing someone’s car, you might say, “Would you care for a tisane?” Or if you have to foreclose on someone’s home, consider, “The color of your sweater perfectly complements your complexion.”
Here are some more rules of ettiquette:
When you cut someone off in traffic, don’t interrupt the person riding with you when she’s in the middle of telling you a story.
When you show up hours late for a party, don’t sneeze into your friend’s beverage.
When you show up late for your mother’s funeral, don’t double-dip your carrot stick in the communal bowl of ranch dressing during the meal afterward.
When you comment on someone’s weight gain, don’t put your elbows on the table.
When you include gift registry information in your wedding invitation, use a properly addressed double envelope.
When you’re texting during church, don’t stick out your foot and trip people walking up the aisle.
Don’t pick your nose while you’re asking someone how much money they make.