It’s a glamorous life

If your preschoolers enjoy visiting the elementary school enough that they’ll sit quietly while you help as a last-minute stand-in judge at a kids’ storytelling competition, they will also not want to leave the school when you’re done. You’ll have to resort to brute force to get your tantrumming toddler buckled into her car seat.

And if, to make it up to the kids, you take them to a nearby playground, don’t forget to have your four-year-old use the bathroom at the school before you leave, because the bathroom at the playground will be locked for the winter, and even if he tells you he doesn’t need to use the bathroom “at all,” five minutes later he’ll realize his mistake too late to avoid wetting his pants.

Since it’s cold at the park and you didn’t bring dry clothes, you’ll have to leave, and this time the nearly-two-year-old will be as angry and wiggly as a crazed monkey, and buckling her in will be a mighty feat of coordination and strength. Then you’ll have to help the four-year-old strip down and give him a diaper wipe to clean himself, while the nearly-two-year-old continues to scream. And she’ll scream the whole way home, and the whole time you try to get her back out of her car seat, and after you put her in her high chair, and the whole time you’re making her lunch. She’ll scream right up until she sees the Tootsie Pop you place on her plate for dessert.

Then everything will be peaceful again. And you’ll remember that your kids are awfully cute and dear, and that, all things considered, it’s a good life.

Especially after you promise yourself never to take your kids with you anywhere again.

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16 Responses to It’s a glamorous life

  1. Thora says:

    I think this is the very reason I’ve decided to try parenting by never leaving the house again, until my kids enter college, or I enter an insane asylum (I’m pretty sure I know which will happen first).

    Truly, Lydia just started preschool, and it’s been good for me to get out of the house, but I surely do appreciate and understand your monkey picture, which I’m sure was taken straight from real life, with no photo editing. What I want to know is how you managed to capture my almost three year old in your car seat?

  2. Rachel says:

    I. Love. That. Picture. This is Isabel when she doesn’t want to leave the playground. Or when she’s dropped a component of a complicated structure of plastic bead necklace wrapped around the necks of five or six small objects that must stay attached at all times. While we’re on the highway. Or, James doesn’t want a juice box, and Isabel wants them to both be drinking at the same time. (Social drinker.) Today we’re rained in while the car’s at the mechanic. I love it. 🙂

  3. Kayli says:

    That. Was. Awesome. I’m going to direct everyone over here to see this picture. I have never seen its equal.

  4. Amy S says:

    That picture was the perfect statement to match your “If you give a mouse a cookie-esque” story. Motherhood is great. I let my not quite 2 year old have a tootsie rolll pop today on account of not wanting to confront “that face.”

  5. Emily S. says:

    Fantastic.

  6. Tiffany says:

    How did you know about my day?

  7. Lili says:

    Where did you find that illustration?! Have you been saving it for just the right blog post, or did you do a search for a screaming monkey in a carseat?!

    • zstitches says:

      I did do a search for “monkey in car seat,” but, on finding only smiling toy monkeys in car seats, I googled “angry monkey” and then found an image of a car seat to Photoshop him into.

      I made sure to label my photo appropriately for the next person searching for a monkey in a car seat.

  8. jennie w. says:

    It’s times like that I when I yell, “everybody just leave me alone!”

  9. Janae Stubbs says:

    I wonder if Lily might be allowed to skip those stages.

    …no? Okay then. Fine.

  10. B.C. Moore says:

    The little pink bow in her hair adds the perfect touch.

  11. Sarah Nielsen says:

    Oh my goodness!! This sounds like my life right now! Amber is still having trouble keeping her pants dry all the time and Ashlyn is right in the middle of the tantrums!! The whole wrestling while trying to buckle her into her carseat is driving me nuts. We recently went to register Amber for kindergarten and my kids were running through the halls crazy. I had to apologize to all the teachers who closed their doors to my screaming children. Then I made them stay in the office with me while I filled out paperwork. Amber was lying on the floor right where everyone needed to walk and Ashlyn was climbing on all the furniture and yelling at anyone who looked at her to leave her alone.

  12. maggie may says:

    it’s up and down and up and out and out of space!

  13. Jen says:

    I love the illustration. I sympathize about the angry monkeys.

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