Woopdy doo! Finding my nitch in the blog-tutorial world

I have a cold and I’m not in the mood to sew, so it was time for a new malaprop post. This is where I take misspellings and malapropisms lovingly collected from the real world and combine them into an all-new composition. Malapropism count for this one: 43, including the post title. At least one is very tricky. I’ll post an answer key later.

Although I’m an armature, and I don’t like to put on heirs, I’m also something of a jack of all traits. Because of this, lately I’ve had a little stunt on a well traficated how-to blog, to demonstrate some of the things that I’m darn right passionate about, and put them in lamen’s terms.

I showed my collection of vintage jaded glass, that I have been touting around through several moves. I showed how to do crafts from paper mechet, an art that never seizes to amaze me, and which is slowly-but-surly gaining in popularity. I taught a full proof method to install a laminant floor. I showed how to crochette crib betting, as well as how to make a collard crotched baby sweater. I gave a frumpy woman a wardrobe updo and dressed her in fine-whale corduroy. I demonstrated how to make a Collidescope using materials found at your local convenient store. I showed a horse sporting an intricut custom bridal I’d made using soft, subtle leather. I taught how to make your own ode de Toilet, crushing the ingredients with a mortal and pestle. And I showed a recipe to wet your appetite and turn anyone into a glutten: you rinse Macadamian nuts in a coriander, then combine them with baken and cheeze. Last of all, for the hoards of women who need better personal safety, I taught a course on marital arts.

Well, I don’t usually tout my own horn, and I don’t need a lot of fan fair or ego-stoking, but without being around the bush, I do think my sporatic tutorials have been very influention. People just can’t seem to peal themselves away.

————————————————————–

Update:  Here’s the list.  The two that I consider tricky are “crotched” and “subtle” since those words work as they are, but I’m certain the original writers meant “crocheted” and “supple.”  I couldn’t believe it when I saw “baken” spelled that way, but I swear I really did.  And my favorite this time is mortal and pestle; I’ve been looking for a way to use that one for ages.  I also love “slowly-but-surly” and “marital arts,” both of which could have just been typos, but I like them this way.

woopdy doo (whoop de do)

nitch (niche)

armature (amateur)

jack of all traits (Jack of all trades)

little stunt on (stint)

well traficated (trafficked)

darn right passionate (downright)

lamens terms (laymen’s terms)

vintage jaded glass (Jadite)

touting around (toting)

paper mechet (maché)

seizes to amaze me (ceases)

slowly-but-surly (surely)

full proof (fool proof)

laminant (laminate)

crochette (crochet)

crib betting (bedding)

collard (collared)

crotched (crocheted)

wardrobe updo (update)

fine-whale corduroy (wale)

Collidescope (kaleidoscope)

convenient store  (convenience)

horse sporting a bridal (bridle)

intricut (intricate)

soft, subtle leather (supple)

ode de Toilet (eau de toilette)

mortal and pestle (mortar)

wet your appetite (whet)

glutten (glutton)

Macadamian nuts (Macadamia)

coriander (colander)

cheeze (cheese)

baken (bacon)

hoards of women (hordes)

marital arts (martial)

tout my own horn (toot)

fan fair (fanfare)

ego-stoking (ego stroking)

being around the bush (beating)

sporatic (sporadic)

influention (influential)

peal (peel)

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22 Responses to Woopdy doo! Finding my nitch in the blog-tutorial world

  1. Mary Ann says:

    Zina,
    This one was a new high (low?) and caused actual wincing and backing away from the screen. Someday your malaprop posts will be used by someone looking for regulatory controls in the blogosphere: a required writers license or obligatory spell check, for example. Good work!

  2. Kristina P. says:

    These are some of my favorite posts of yours. You never cease to amaze me!

  3. Lili says:

    collard crotched baby sweater! haha. Marital arts… horses in custom bridals made of subtle leather! I love these so much. Also, Influention?! Somebody REALLY wrote this? I love making up words like that.

    Also, I love recognizing ones that I sent you 😉

    Also, I can only count 41. sigh. I guess I missed the subtle ones? Or maybe obvious ones that I’m guilty of… We’ll see when you post the answers.

  4. Mrs. Organic says:

    “Lamen’s terms” will always crack me up. And marital arts for those who need greater protection. Heh!

  5. the MomB says:

    I count 43, and I’m laughing my buns off.
    It’s kind of crewel to put little rabbits in a coriander, tho’, isn’t it?
    I love this SO MUCH.

  6. Acheté says:

    Tote that horn and peal away. How can you continue to updo yourself each time?

    “update”, of course. I couldn’t figure out how someone came to think “updo” meant “makeover”. I wasn’t sure about crotched, since it does make perfect sense for a baby sweater, but you’re right, anyone genuinely meaning that would have said it another way. I am loath to admit I thought there was an “ou” somewhere in corduroy, and though I knew that’s what it must be, I was not familiar with fine-wale anything.

  7. Acheté says:

    Also: don’t forget to list (mortar). I suppose “paper” is well-enough attested instead of papier-mâché, often dropping the accents to just “paper mache”–and dropping just the circumflex is increasingly acceptable even in French, I think I remember. Interesting that the obvious cognate just reverts to the English form, but it is never ever called chewed paper. I guess to be honest if I spelled it papier I would have to say /papje/ (pahp-yay).

    • the MomB says:

      I agree it should be papier mache, but it still counts as 1 usage and not 2 (this one came from an eBay listing). As for those diacritics, you can use ’em in English but you can’t insist on ’em. You’re not merely critical Tracy, you’re diacritical (that’s a compliment, I think).

      Even tho’ I counted ego-stoked, I like it! Surely it’s just as possible for the ego to be stoked as stroked–?

  8. Lili says:

    Ah, the ones I missed:
    convenient store (it gave me pause, but then I couldn’t think what was wrong with it) and Macadamian nuts. Silly me.

    Also, I counted Baken & cheeze as one in my count,

    and I think you missed peal away in your answer list.

    • the MomB says:

      Convenience stores are convenient stores, and hey, I eat Brazilian nuts whenever I get a chance.

      Peal away: yep, she did.

      • zstitches says:

        Okay, I added peal and I think that makes it 44?

        Providing an answer key is harder than just listing malaprops. I often have to look up correct spellings.

        Lili, since any store can be convenient, I tried to frame the sentence so that the misusage would be obvious. Another tricky one.

        Mom, *after* I’d put Macadamian on my malaprop list, I got a cell phone photo of a sign for Macadamian nut cookies at Macey’s. Too bad my cell phone melted.

      • Lili says:

        (I noticed that you missed that one in the answer key because it’s one I sent you last week) 😉

  9. Trina says:

    You really should make my new baby one of those collard crotched baby sweaters. . . Her name is Eve, after all! (Collards make an acceptable subsitute for fig leaves, naturally.)

    (This one really has to be one of your best. It gave me a great laugh today. And yes, you never seize to amaze me.)

    • zstitches says:

      Clearly I chose the wrong thing to illustrate!

      How’s that adorable baby? We think of you often, but every time I think we can get together, one of my kids throws up or starts coughing. Maybe this summer everyone will be healthy.

  10. marymary says:

    Wonderful post. Of course, it was particularly rewarding to see all the ones I sent you that have become dear to my own heart. And they were masterfully incorporated.

    I wish you could provide link-backs to each one, to show them in their original context, but can you even imagine the hating that could ensue? Maybe you could keep it from being crewel by giving a small prize to each original author. You could even make a button they could put in their sidebar, for bragging rights. “I was FEATURED in Zina’s malaprop post!”

    P.S. Don’t you think when she said “jaded,” she probably meant “Jadite?”

  11. Jen says:

    Well, well, well done, as usual. Loved it.

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