I can’t even tell you the crass “deep thought” I shared with my kids last night* (see? I do have my limits) but some of my other attempts at humor included recycling some miser jokes (at least I didn’t tell them as Scottish jokes) such as, “How do you get copper foil? Give a penny to a miser. How do you get copper wire? Give a penny to two misers and tell them they have to share it.” It turned out my kids hadn’t hear the term “pinching pennies,” but they were appreciative once I explained it. And this next one was all my own:
Why did the guy who meant to go dancing end up standing in the dark?
He tripped the light fuse fantastic.
You would think having to explain fuses and uncommon expressions to my kids would have ruined that one for me, but not with the holiday spirit upon me.
And here’s what happened to me in Ross today. I was returning something, (it was an avocado slicer, if you must know; after I bought it Dean noticed it had little holes that would make it hard to clean, and he offered to use epoxy to fill in the holes, but I opted to return it) so I had the avocado slicer in a Ross bag sticking out of my purse, and I decided to do a quick tour of the store and look for a cheap bra to cut apart and sew into a swimsuit I want to make. [Cutting up a bra and sewing it into a homemade swimsuit, by the way, is one of the best sewing tips I’ve ever gotten, because I prefer swimsuits with bras, but, while I did want to learn to sew swimsuits, I didn’t want to learn to sew bras.] I found a suitable (get it? suitable?) black bra and then wished I’d gotten a shopping cart or shopping basket, because I felt conspicuous walking around the store holding a black bra. I saw a display with baskets and thought I’d borrow one to use as a shopping basket until I got to the registers. I reached to take one of the baskets–and realized it was a red, heart-shaped basket. So I put it back. THEN (and I’m not even making this up) a store security guy tailed me for about four aisles before I got to the registers and he gave up on me.
Finally, when I got back to my car, there was a dog in the car parked next to mine, and although it was a tiny dog, a dog that was smaller than a breadbox, small enough even to be carried easily in a little heart-shaped basket, that tiny little dog barked its itty-bitty toy-like head off at me. And the whole sunny bright day-before-Christmas world just seemed too, too funny.
*Actually I guess I don’t have limits. Here’s my deep thought: What thing that people eat creates the heaviest human waste? Answer: Lead BBs.