Notes to self

1. Ages five and three, respectively, are too old for children to become converted to American-style processed cheese. Next time you’re offered the leftovers after a picnic, don’t accept them unless you are planning to throw them away.

2. Your three-year-old doesn’t eat sandwiches, peanut-butter-and-honey or otherwise. He didn’t yesterday, nor the day before that, nor the day before that, so he’s likely to also not eat a sandwich today. Whether or not he says he would like a sandwich for lunch is beside the point.

3. When your three-year-old points to the pantry and asks for “grapes,” he means olives (pitted, black olives.) No matter how easy it sounds to open up a can of pitted black olives for him, (the can is just sitting there on the shelf! and he’s so hungry from not eating his American-style processed cheese nor his peanut-butter-and-honey sandwich!) and even if he tells you he’ll just eat “two,” remember the diaper you changed after the last time he ate most of a can of pitted black olives by himself, and just say no.

4. If you break generic Ritz-style crackers (“Toasted Rounds”) into little pieces and put them on your nearly-seven-month-old’s high chair tray, she will drop half of them into the pocket of her bib (for later) and make the rest into a paste which she will smear all over her face and the tray. She will also be very happy.

4. Never leave out important details such as the type of olive or the generic name of Ritz-style crackers. Your readers want to know those details. Reassure yourself of this fact while your nearly-seven-month-old, who will have finished storing and pasting her Ritz-style cracker pieces, screams at you from her high chair.

5. Contrary to common wisdom, staying up until two-thirty every morning reading books or the Internet or making hair bows, and then getting up at three-thirty or six-thirty or seven in the morning to nurse the nearly-seven-months-old baby or to ensure the hair bows are properly placed in your five-year-old or nine-year-old daughter’s hair, is not actually a cure for the common cold.



6.  There are no photos of Market Pantry Ritz-style Toasted Rounds currently to be found in the first several pages of a Google Image Search.  Your nearly-seven-months-old baby would not like you to stop holding her in your lap in order to take a photo of Market Pantry Ritz-style Toasted Rounds.

7.  You have also not taken a photo of your adorable nearly-seven-months-old baby in the past fifteen days.  The fact that she doesn’t yet wear large clip-style hairbows is NO EXCUSE.  You can’t use the Quicktime movies you took of her in her bouncy seat seven days ago, since you don’t know how to edit and upload said videos.  And it’s hard to take a photo and upload it while your baby is sitting in your lap.  This unfortunately means that your blog readers will have to take your word for it that as she has gotten closer to seven months old, she’s gotten even cuter.  Even with Ritz-style cracker paste on her face.


This entry was posted in I think I'm funny, I think I'm not funny, My kids actually are funny (and sweet and wonderful), Parenting, Recipes. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Notes to self

  1. Erin says:

    I know all too well about the issues with children and food. My first grader came home from school today having eaten exactly four bites of his sandwich, none of his carrots, and half of his baggie of cereal (yes, we’re getting low on lunch foods). I couldn’t believe he wasn’t starving!

  2. Mrs. Organic says:

    She started out so cute to begin with, how do you stand her getting even cuter?

    You could always make those headbands out of tights and clip the cute hair bows on one. My girls always pulled off any hair stuff until they were 2 1/2. Spoiled my fun.

  3. zstitches says:

    I was thinking about making one of those and doing that, Corrie, but now that you mention it, I’m *positive* Hazel is the kind of baby who will pull a headband off. I guess I could at least try putting a hat on her and see what she does with hat.

  4. zstitches says:

    I mean with that. With that, with hat, with that hat.

  5. laura says:

    I think the bunnies need to be exchanged for all your children wearing big headbows. A large variety, that are bigger than their heads. And then it can be your Royal Headbow Imaginary Blog.

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