1. Ages five and three, respectively, are too old for children to become converted to American-style processed cheese. Next time you’re offered the leftovers after a picnic, don’t accept them unless you are planning to throw them away.
2. Your three-year-old doesn’t eat sandwiches, peanut-butter-and-honey or otherwise. He didn’t yesterday, nor the day before that, nor the day before that, so he’s likely to also not eat a sandwich today. Whether or not he says he would like a sandwich for lunch is beside the point.
3. When your three-year-old points to the pantry and asks for “grapes,” he means olives (pitted, black olives.) No matter how easy it sounds to open up a can of pitted black olives for him, (the can is just sitting there on the shelf! and he’s so hungry from not eating his American-style processed cheese nor his peanut-butter-and-honey sandwich!) and even if he tells you he’ll just eat “two,” remember the diaper you changed after the last time he ate most of a can of pitted black olives by himself, and just say no.
4. If you break generic Ritz-style crackers (“Toasted Rounds”) into little pieces and put them on your nearly-seven-month-old’s high chair tray, she will drop half of them into the pocket of her bib (for later) and make the rest into a paste which she will smear all over her face and the tray. She will also be very happy.
4. Never leave out important details such as the type of olive or the generic name of Ritz-style crackers. Your readers want to know those details. Reassure yourself of this fact while your nearly-seven-month-old, who will have finished storing and pasting her Ritz-style cracker pieces, screams at you from her high chair.
5. Contrary to common wisdom, staying up until two-thirty every morning reading books or the Internet or making hair bows, and then getting up at three-thirty or six-thirty or seven in the morning to nurse the nearly-seven-months-old baby or to ensure the hair bows are properly placed in your five-year-old or nine-year-old daughter’s hair, is not actually a cure for the common cold.
6. There are no photos of Market Pantry Ritz-style Toasted Rounds currently to be found in the first several pages of a Google Image Search. Your nearly-seven-months-old baby would not like you to stop holding her in your lap in order to take a photo of Market Pantry Ritz-style Toasted Rounds.
7. You have also not taken a photo of your adorable nearly-seven-months-old baby in the past fifteen days. The fact that she doesn’t yet wear large clip-style hairbows is NO EXCUSE. You can’t use the Quicktime movies you took of her in her bouncy seat seven days ago, since you don’t know how to edit and upload said videos. And it’s hard to take a photo and upload it while your baby is sitting in your lap. This unfortunately means that your blog readers will have to take your word for it that as she has gotten closer to seven months old, she’s gotten even cuter. Even with Ritz-style cracker paste on her face.